Thursday, May 31, 2007

Something funny

Saw this on Youtube and laughed my ass off...wish I had as much time as this person obviously does!

On a personal note - Oz's behaviour continues to improve so we've had a great couple of days. He peed standing up in the toilet today and was very pleased with himself. My lovely Mum had him all afternoon so I could meet my Stonecutter Pal Mary who was in London with her family - a huge treat. Went on the tube! With Toby! And was able to shop at the Japan Centre - my fave japanese supermarket.

Wish I could stay awake long enough to watch Big Brother....don't get me started....bonkers!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Tired...but happier

Oz's behaviour has steadily improved all week. He's been really good. Tonight I undressed him for his bath and he was wearing the same pair of pants he started the day in. So potty training is going well.

I'm really shattered today - no idea why - no energy. I should have gone to bed early. But I stayed up (to the ever so late hour of 10.30pm) doing's 5 minutes long....hope it doesn't bore you - enjoy.....

Friday, May 25, 2007

A meme

Love my books - so stole this from Zoe who is on the brink of birthing but still has time to do memes!!! Thanks Zo....we have such similar tastes in books!

A book that made you cry: The Time Traveller's Wife. LOVE that book

A book that scared you: IT by Stephen King. I know he's trashy but he knows how to get your blood creeping....

A book that made you laugh: Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett. He used to be good...then he got a bit formulaic - this was his comeback book for me - that made me chuckle again.

A book that disgusted you: Gerald's Game by Stephen King (there he is again)- there's a scene in there involving escaping from handcuffs that actually made me feel faint reading it - too descriptive....if you've read it, you'll know

A book you loved in elementary school: Flat Stanley. I love that book....that and Harold and the Purple Crayon though that is for young young kids

A book you loved in junior high: Starring Sally J Freidman as herself - Judy Blume and Charlotte's Web - can't decide between the two. I liked the first cos I think I thought I was the Sally of the title! Apart from not being American. Or Jewish. Or alive in the 40s....

A book you loved in high school: The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley- I went to school in Somerset and lived in Glastonbury so imagined myself one of the maids of Avalon.....And Brother of the More Famous Jack by Barbara Trapido. I still love both of them and have re-read them so often I'm on my second copy of Jack and third copy of Avalon!

A book you hated in high school: Martin Chuzzlewitt - set text that I couldn't get my head into - I used Cliff Notes but still got an A in my O Level! I never even read the whole book!

A book you loved in college: Sybil. I got really interested in Multiple Personality Syndrome and Sybil and When Rabbit Howls were amazing and honest and brutal. I know a lot of people don't "believe" in MPD but when you read these women's their own words....compelling.

A book that challenged your identity: I have no idea.....I'm drawing a complete blank here....

A series that you love: I'm a sucker for Adriana Trigani too like Zoe....and Kathy Reichs books. And the Belgarion series by David Eddings. And Saga of the Exiles by Julian May - there are so many fantasy series I love....I could go on...

Your favorite horror book: Horror....that's a tough one....I don't want to put any more Stephen King on this list as I'm certain I'm more highbrow and literary than that....but I can't think of any other horror writer....does Anne Rice count? Interview With A Vampire is fab - all her early Vamp ones up until she got a bit carried away.....

Your favorite science fiction book: Time Enough For Love by Robert Heinlein. Any of his books that feature Lazarus Long.....

Your favorite fantasy book: Robin Hobb - anything by Robin Hobb. I also loved Anne McCaffrey when I was younger - oh to be a Dragonrider of Pern.....

Your favorite mystery book: I can't pick one. I love a lot of mystery/crime writers. I think Minette Walters and Ruth Rendell grip me most.

Your favorite graphic novel: Any of the Sandman books by Neil Gaiman

Your favorite biography: I read loads of them. I do like Shirley Temple's "Child Star" - fascinating.

Your favorite "coming-of-age" book: Are You There God It's Me Margaret

Your favorite classic: Pride and Prej - it's a cliche but I love it. I came to reading it very late.

Your favorite romance book: Pride and Prej will win this one too.....

Favorite kids book: The Little Mole (Who Knew It Was None of His Business) - about a mole who has a poo on his head and tries to find out who did it by asking animals to crap. It's hysterical and Oz loves it.

Favorite cookbook: Like Zoe - you can't beat the complete Delia - my sis gave me mine...

Your favorite book not on this list: The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood - changed my life in a profound way....and Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems - I still refer to it weekly!

Getting better....

I think Oz realised how upset and angry we were with his behaviour...yesterday he was a little angel. The day before he had a couple of wobbles - on Wednesday night it was the family night launch at the Planetarium and he was a very good boy in a large, non child friendly space filled with people and noise. There was a brass quintet and he was enchanted by them (and they by him) - he conducted them! He was naughty getting back into the car but as my mother said, it was an hour after his bedtime.

Yesterday we were on our own - Rob worked late -and I'd been dreading it. But it was fine. Mum bought Oz a tent from Lidl - a wigman and igloo tent connected by a tunnel. We built it in the garden, played in it all afternoon - luckily Toby was chilled and happy to watch us from his bouncy chair. We ate a picnic in the tent. Oz did a poo ON THE POTTY!!! He also came home from nursery in the same clothes he left in - no accidents at all yesterday.

Bed time was fine. Toby had to scream a bit but it was fine. We bathed together, came back downstairs for milk and a biscuit while I fed Toby, then I put Toby in his cot and put Oz to bed (while Toby screamed for 15 minutes) then calmed Toby back down, fed him a bit more and put him down. I was done by 8.30 so only an hour and half!!!

Rob is off work today. So I'm going to the cinema with Clare to see Pirates of the Caribbean at the Big Scream (I usually can't go cos I have to pick Oz up). I managed to get us all up and dressed this morning and Oz to nursery with no tantrums (a huge result) so Rob can sleep in.

Things are SO much better than this time last week. So thank you for all your supportive comments and calls and texts. I've felt very loved this week - even though it's been so tough, I know I'm not alone and that meant the world. So thank you thank you thank you.

Oh and Toby - for the first time ever this morning...didn't wake up until 7.30!! He woke at 1, at 3 (I didn't feed him but got him back to sleep) at 5 (I fed him) and then his usual pattern is wake up at 6 and I take him into our bed where we doze until 7. The reason I could get up with Oz so easily was that Toby was out until 7.30. Might have been the heat....might have been a new pattern - fingers crossed for the latter!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Can you believe it? I missed it!!!

I didn't set the video properly!! We've only just got in - it was the family launch of the Planetarium tonight so we were there....and my faithful video let me down. Thank God it is repeated on Saturday. My mum should have taped it too.....bugger! All your comments make me desperate to see it - glad I came across well!!

Just read that Clare (the star) taped it too so hopefully will get to see it tomorrow......I'm such a ditz....

Tonight's the night

that my episode of Used Car Roadshow is on TV - 7pm on ITV4 - and repeated on Saturday if you miss it. Set your videos!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Not much better

Thank you Zoe, Poppy and Mum - your comments made me feel loved and not so insane. (Zoe I hope I'm not scaring you....since you're about to be a mum of 2!!!! - Your children will be angelic I know. I'm sure A wasn't such a handful as Oz is)

Today was not much better unfortunately. I really don't like spending time with Oscar at the moment - it's not fun. There were some glimmers, some moments of loveliness - rest of the time...same as the weekend.

We went to check out a community pre-school this morning. Oz loved it - in fact I had to drag him out of there. There's a place there for him 5 mornings a week from September. And I really liked it - nothing fancy - just a church hall - but lots of activities in well spaced out areas - children choose what they play. Good Ofsted although it's a few years old. The manager has been there 15 years and seemed lovely. They've got a fun day in a few weeks and we'll go and have a proper play. As I said - had to drag Oz out so he liked it.

Then we went to a play place in Bromley. Unfortunately I'd left my mobile at home so the person I was meeting wasn't sure it was taking place and rang to confirm....then didn't come. So I was on my own. Started off well - lots of toys as well as the play rig so Oz had fun. He peed in the toilet. It was quiet. I had time to have a cup of tea and read the Guardian (Toby asleep). Then Toby woke up and I fed him. Oscar suddenly kept telling me there was poo coming. So I'd put Toby down, take Oz to the toilet, pull his pants down, sit there and he'd say that there wasn't. I'd make him sit for a minute but could hear Toby screaming so returned to him. This happened 3 times. The boy who cried wolf. I pondered telling him that story but I don't think he'll get it....YET.

He then went away. And shat in his pants. Of course he did. So I cleaned him up and we had lunch. Which went ok. Then it was time to leave. And he runs. Hides behind a large Thomas the Tank Engine so I couldn't reach him. Laughed his ass off as I shouted louder and louder for him to get out. Toby screaming again because he's tired. I feel like the screaming fishwife mother from hell shouting at my kid. I finally get him out (with the help of another parent which made me feel even more useless) and put him on the lead and take him home (to shocked looks from all the other parents again - what is it with dog leads?).

They both fell asleep in the car on the way home. I should have left them in there. Cos I got Oscar into bed ok - but Toby woke up. And wouldn't go back to sleep. He finally 3.30 when Oscar woke up.

The afternoon began well - Oz was happy playing with his cars...listening to Baby Einstein CD....had a really good dinner - ate 6 sausages - chipolatas, not kid sized - and I gave him jelly for pudding. He peed in the potty. We had a tickle fight on the sofa. We read books.

Then I started feeding Toby. Sound familiar? He jumped on my back (I was sitting on the floor). He kept doing it. I asked him nicely to stop. I told him it hurt mummy. Did he want to hurt mummy? Yes he says - and proceeds to kick, pinch and scratch me. Laughing.

It's like he's possessed. I held him tight to stop him (he was thrashing around when I tried to get him to look me in the eye). I told him that was nasty behaviour and I wasn't having it. Rob was home but in the shed - I called him in and he reiterated it and took Oscar's bedtime privileges away. No story. No toys in the bath. No poem.

That seemed to calm him. He kept saying "naughty boys don't have toys/story/fun". Maybe that's what it was about - push and push until the punishment is there and he feels safe.

By God he's being difficult. Nursery in the morning tomorrow. And Mum coming in the afternoon and to help with bedtime. So it won't be as bad.

I hate to say what I wrote before. That I don't enjoy spending time with him. I know he's jealous of his brother. I know he's finding potty training difficult. I know he's 2. And I'll love him till my heart stops beating. But I really didn't like him for a large portion of the day.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Pushing to the limit

Oscar's behaviour this weekend has been beyond awful. Testing the boundaries? You betcha....

Yesterday started bad. Potty training - from hell. He shat himself. Which was unpleasant to say the least. But we just said never mind and carried on. Then he peed himself. Just after I'd asked him if he needed a wee. Then was having a tantrum, ran away from me and peed all over the stairs laughing as he did it and saying "look Mummy". It was impossible not to be cross - I know you're supposed to ignore the accidents but this didn't feel like an accident.

Then we went to Greenwich - Rob had to rehearse in the Planetarium and I (stupidly) thought it would be easy enough to sit in the cafe garden with the boys for an hour and Oz could play and i could sip tea and feed Toby. We'd met some friends there on Friday afternoon and Oz had had a great time playing on the grass with his little mate and we all sat and drank coffee.

Oh no. Oh no no no. Started off ok - Oz got talking to some other kids and played football with them. I fed Toby. Toby screamed cos he was tired and needed to go to sleep so I thought - a short walk up to the edge of the Observatory - there's a railing there with a fantastic view of London. Oz had his toy ride-on car with him - I thought that would keep him close to me. Oh how wrong I was. Oz took off - over the brow of the hill and down - on foot - leaving me with a large ride-on toy and a sleeping baby in a buggy. I couldn't take the buggy down the hill - it's steep and no path. What do I do? Oscar was getting further away and every time I shouted him to come back NOW he laughed. And carried on. I kept trying to ring Rob on his mobile but he was in the planetarium with no signal. I rang the main switchboard trying to get someone to get him. No joy. So what do I do?

Leave the baby and run after Oscar? Who'd then think it a fantastic game and run all the faster. He was already shrieking in laughter and running further down the hill. I couldn't see him anymore. It was awful.

Luckily another mum saw my predicament and ran after him. She herded him up the hill where he threw a massive tantrum. I had to drag him and the buggy and the car back to our car. Where I threw him in and stood outside shaking with anger and fear. Then I smelt shit. Again. So I had to get him out of the car and to the cafe with Toby in tow again obviously. He didn't want to go in. Threw himself on the floor. I practically dragged him in then remembered a dog lead I had in the boot. Mum had given it to me ages ago as the reins I had were too short - to clip on to them. So I put it round his wrist. At first he thought it was fun. Then he realised he couldn't get away from me. So more tantrums. On the floor.

All around me, middle class mummies looked on in horror. Not just at the screaming, stinky child at my feet, but at the dog lead. I got him to the toilet. And back to the car. At this point I was in tears. Then Rob rang saying "where are you?". Where am I....over the edge is where I was.

I was so angry and upset. We drove home in silence. Both the boys fell asleep. I went straight into the bedroom and tried to wind down. Toby woke up so I was downstairs feeding him and Mum rang - I was telling her what happened - said I was really angry and Rob started to comment how irrationally angry I had been. So we had a HUGE argument. Rob lost his temper in a way that I've only witnessed about 3 times in 11 years. Totally blew his stack - had this mad look in his eyes and went out into the garden and kicked a chair right over the trellis.

He felt I was angry at him and in a way I had been - angry that I couldn't get hold of him on the phone. That I had to cope with it on my own. But it wasn't really his fault. But I wanted him to understand how horrible it had been. He then proceeded to tell me how hard it is for him - getting Oz up and dressed and to nursery, working all day, coming home, bathing them both, putting Oz to bed, going to the shed and trying to relax but ending up working more on the laptop. I know he's amazing. He does so much and he's under so much pressure at work. He's even been worried that he'll lose his job if this launch doesn't go well (I think he's over-reacting on that one but if he's been worrying about it, it explains why he's been so distant recently).

I'm just exhausted. Plain and simple. Nearly 5 months of interrupted sleep. That'll do it to you. I may have over-reacted myself and been irrationally angry. I don't even recognise rational some days. I'm too tired. Toby and Oz seem to have a psychic link - they never sleep at the same time anymore. Toby's patterns are all over the place. So I can't sleep when they sleep cos they don't sleep at the same time - unless I'm in the car. Sleeping at the wheel? I don't think so.

So then the paranoia starts up again - should I put Toby on more of a routine. Should I be stronger in the middle of the night and NOT feed him, but do pickup putdown routine for a few hours and just deal with the tiredness the next day? Should I put him in his cot in the day and shut the door and let him scream until he does sleep at a time I want him to?

We sorted it out. As much as we can. This is the craziest time of our lives and I just want it to be over. Rob thinks I should stop breastfeeding. I think I want to too, although that makes me feel guilty. But Toby just WON'T take a bottle. Tried again today. No. He fights it. Screams. Spits it out, chokes on the milk. Won't have it at all. He's more stubborn than Oscar - it's unbelievable. The only way I can see him doing it is if I refuse to feed him and he's starving. I don't really think I can do that.

Today we were going swimming with Clare and James and I was really looking forward to it. Oscar was manic. Like he was on speed. Bouncing off the ceiling. Totally over-excited and irrational. You couldn't control him. We started using the lead in the house if he ran away and took it to the pool. He was on it a lot and he didn't like it. He wet himself twice this morning. He refused to eat lunch. He ran away a lot this afternoon and then shat himself again.

Some days you just want to say - ok you win. I give up. Here are the keys to the house and the car - I resign. I want to go quietly somewhere and sleep. Not be here anymore. I failed miserably at motherhood.

I want to go to bed and sleep now but some bastards are having a party in a house over the fence from us. Loud reggae music is blasting - it sounds like it's playing in my room and it isn't. LOUD. Banging bass and some fucking DJ rapping over the top. So even with earplugs I don't think I'd get any peace. The house looks like a pigsty. Everything is cluttered and filthy. I'd meant to tidy and clean this weekend. I meant to do so much this weekend. And nothing has been achieved. Except losing my sanity.

I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm dreading next week. Rob is working late 3 nights - his launch is on Tuesday. Mum is helping on Tuesday and Wednesday night but I'm on my own all day Thursday and bedtime. It's a bad day. One of those days when you hate your life.

Now don't all panic on me - please. (mum) I haven't got post natal depression. I'm not suicidal. I just had a really SHIT weekend. And I'm really tired. So my perspective is shot to shit. Just typing it all out here makes me feel better. And I'll probably read it tomorrow and think "you drama queen". But it's how I feel at the moment.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Toby scoffs...

thought you'd like to see how much my little (!) man enjoys home-made sweet potato and cinnamon mush. He ate a huge bowlful followed by a petit filou. He loves his fromage frais. And went down like a dream (not surprising really).

It's too orangey for crows....

mmm tasty spoon

I'm so full it's making me laugh!
(can you tell I'm trying to be as witty as Moxie with the captions and failing miserably?)

Last night he slept from 8 (he wouldn't go down for ages) till 2 and then woke up at 6. So officially I was only up once last night. Hoobloodyrah!!!

Oscar had a good day on the pot too - only had one accident and that was due to a long car ride to pick Rob up from work (and he had a pull up on over his pants so it didn't go on his new car seat - Graco Junior- only £39 from Asda - get em while you can)

Monday, May 14, 2007

So much to say...

So little time......Peppa Pig is on TV and I have about 5 minutes before Oz wants my undivided attention again.....

Haven't been online for ages - been too damn tired. Toby's sleep is improving but he's still up twice a night. He's eating solids brilliantly - from 1 bowl of baby rice at night, he's now on a light lunch and then cauli and broccoli cheese for dinner followed by a petit filou! It is helping the sleep. But I think he was ready anyway - milk just doesn't seem to be enough for him anymore and he's always hungry. He's nearly sitting up on his own too now - comes from having such a fat bottom.

Oz is being his usual angel/demon self. We're potty training at the moment and it's doing my head in. He's doing brilliantly - no accidents so far this morning - but we stayed in all weekend to be near the potty and I can't bear it. I'm about to put a pull up on him and escape out. He can manage it really well - except when distracted or tired. I nearly killed him last night cos he thought it was really funny to hide under the kitchen table and pee. A lot. And then make his cars go in the puddle. Grrrrr.

I've had a nasty stomach bug - Rob had to take an afternoon off work as I was shivering in bed and couldn't do anything. Then the washing machine broke down and we found out our drains were blocked. So after spending all that money on me, I had to spend an equal amount on the house - which we haven't got. That'll teach me to do retail therapy. It's like one nice day followed by several shite ones......welcome to my life.

Rob is seriously stressed as his big project comes to fruition in the next few weeks - which means he'll be working late and at weekends for the next three weeks. So I'll have to work out how the hell I put both boys to bed - any ideas?

I have Oz 2 full days a week now - but luckily the nursery have moved my mornings so I have full days on Monday and Friday - nicely broken up for me to recover in between!

Ok - Peppa off - out we go - hope Oz doesn't wee in the car.....

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Retail Therapy

After a tough few weeks with Toby and tiredness, and since Rob got a lovely bonus, I had some mad money today - went to Bluewater with Clare and had a thoroughly lovely day. It's my last Tuesday where Oscar will be at nursery all day - we can't afford it anymore so he's going to be with me all day Mondays and Fridays from now on, and at nursery Tues-Thurs mornings. I no longer have the luxury of a full day on my own with Toby - ah well.

So in honour of my last Tuesday we blew some money. I had my hair cut at Toni and Guys which took a large chunk of my money - but it's lovely...and the head massage and hair wash was worth the price alone! Bliss...

I wanted to cut it really short but the hairdresser thought that would look too severe and so she cut it into a much neater bob with lots of choppy layers to make it look thicker. Plus, as you can see, a fringe. I love it.
I also bought a funky top from my favourite boutique Nouveau Regarder or as you may know it, New Look. This is the pattern. It's one of those long smock tops - not the easiest thing to breastfeed in....but I love it! It's a very flattering style. And i love the colour - all pinks and purples. This isn't the best pic but it's a self portrait and I can't get far away enough!

I also bought myself a sweet treat - Rocky Road from Lakeland - outrageously expensive but delicious!

We had lunch at Pizza Express and it's been so long since I've been there they actually had pizzas I'd never heard of on the menu! I had a Parmense which was doughballs of course. And Pizza Express do the best diet coke as it's in glass bottles.....

I bought some Sushi from Yo! for my dinner to bring home.

So thoroughly spoilt and indulged all day. The babies were good, the company was good, the food was good, my hair was good. It was all good! And Oscar was quite good once he got home from nursery (he was supposedly a horror today so I'm glad they had him!)

Hoorah for pampering and spending money. Wish I could do it every week....or every month even!

Monday, May 07, 2007

Hungry Toby

I was determined not to wean Toby until he was 6 months old. With Oscar I was so desperate to have a go at feeding him that he had his first meal on Christmas Eve when he was exactly 4 months old - banana.

However, Toby's sleep is SO bad....and he's SOOOO big....I decided to try and give him a little baby rice at 6pm - an hour before bedtime - in an attempt to fill him up a bit.

It's been a huge success. First two evenings we did 1tsp baby rice alone. Then mixed a little apple in (from a jar I got free in a bounty pack). He loved that. He finished the little jar this evening - it lasted 3 feeds - but seemed desperate for more - so I mixed up another teaspoon with another third of a jar of banana, apple and apricot. Wolfed it down!

I'm not going to move on to three meals a day just yet - will keep it a teatime thing for now. I don't think it'll hurt. His milk intake hasn't changed at all. But....the last two nights...he's gone from 7 till 1am - a huge improvement. We'll see.....I'm going to try mashed potato next with a big lump of butter in to keep him full....

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Toby and his little mate James

Of course, every baby is little compared to Tobes! But here is a pic that Claire snapped today of the boys in the cafe. James is 12 weeks old to Toby's 16 weeks but he was a little bit early so he's still got some catching up to do. I love the fact that they have eachother - very important to have a mate of the same age. If Claire and I don't move house (we don't plan to at the moment) they very well might end up at school together. Which will be cool! I don't have any friends that I've known since birth - comes from moving around so much. The oldest friends I have are my friend Amy who I've known since I was 15 and Moxie who I've known since I was 18. And I cherish them.

I'm glad Toby has a friend he's known since he was about 6 weeks old!

Who ate all the pies?

Toby is nearly 4 months old - will be on the 8th May. I took him to the clinic today to get his last set of jabs....and to get weighed.

Go on. Guess the weight of my bloater child......he weighs the same as Oscar did at 29 weeks. He's on the 98th centile.
19lbs 9.

Eek! And breastfed all the way. We've been trying to get him to take a bottle for the last 2 weeks so I can get more sleep. He's not having any of it. Now he's even refusing a dummy. If it ain't skin, it ain't going in his gob. He's also getting harder to put down at night - I really see what the Baby Whisperer means about missing the window. If we miss his window it takes an hour and a half to settle him. Which is why I haven't been blogging for a few days. Tonight - window hit and he went down like a lamb.

Oscar is being demonic again. Hitting. It drives me and Rob mad. Yesterday he was ultraviolent at the play place to two other kids (one of whom we didn't know which is always worse) and then hit me round the face. So we left early and I took them on a long drive while I calmed down. Thank god for my lovely car. Tonight he punched Rob on the head twice. He'd been having a really lovely evening up until then. Naughty chair doesn't work anymore - he just laughs. So tonight Rob threw one of his favourite toys in the bin. In the actual bin. I think that one hit home. I have of course fished it out but it will be hidden. I'm going to get a see through box - like I've seen Supernanny do - and confiscate toys into that during the day.

It's exhausting. I was very near meltdown yesterday - spent a lot of the day in tears (toby had also slept really bad 2 nights in a row). Today, being Tuesday, was lovely. But I've only got a couple of Tuesdays left......sigh......I'll miss them and I'm not sorry for saying so. I love Oscar but he's exhausting. A day with just Toby and I is much calmer and quieter. Well for some of the time. Toby is more and more alert and awake and cries loudly now when unhappy. But he's usually easily soothed.

Ok I'm rambling now. I just haven't sat at the computer for about 3 days!

Oh yes - must say - immense kudos and huge thanks to Moxie - she remembered my wedding anniversary - this Friday we'll have been married for 11 years - and I hadn't even remembered it!! Not only is she a brand new mum, she's still probably jet lagged from her trip, but she managed to get a card in the post. Ah Mox my mate, I don't deserve you. I've never sent you an anniversary card. I probably forgot your birthday last year (I can't remember if I did but I bet I did). You're lovely. And I'm very grateful.